If only
by phoenix-shalimar
Summary: If only . . . If only he were better, if only he had been on time. If only. If only. If only. Sasuke.


_Ok so heres the deal, i do not own Naruto, nor anything in association with it. I am not making any money of of this (I wish) so dont sue me. Im poor enough as it is._

_Im not sure what the deal with this fic is. Im not even sure if i like it really. But what the hell._

**Dedicated:** This is for my amazing wifey Ino-Pig aka Lamanth. I love you so much, it still amazes me that i get to have you in my life. You are my one true shining beacon of hope, never forget that.

So this origionally started as a Kai/Ming Ming fic but when i read ovcer what i had written i decided to change it to this. So enjoy, heres some angst just for you Lollie. You know how much i prefer to write sap, so be happy this may be the last angst you see from me in awhile._  
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_So long ago, the days when we first met  
Two years have passed, so much has changed around us  
In my life, you are a ray of light  
Tonight if I should die hold my heart within your eyes  
I still recall your face from so long ago_

He could have saved her, but he didn't. He could have loved her. Could have been there for her. But he couldn't and wasn't. And it tore him up inside. Why was it that you never appreciated or saw what was in front of your eyes until suddenly one day when you turned around, it wasn't there anymore? Why was it you could never love that one person until they disappeared forever?

You can wish for it all you want. Wish to have one more day to let that person know just how much you wanted, needed them in your life. To grasp onto their hands and never let go again, to hold them tight in your embrace. To feel their arms around you, your lips upon theirs.

It wouldn't be hindsight if you couldn't look back and see what you would have done differently.

How do you know you really and truly love that one person when you cannot put it to the test? When they are not there for you to see just how truly you can and will love them? When you cannot help them through the good and bad.

Looking back is always a dangerous thing, as is thinking about what might have been. And if only all the 'if onlys' could be purged from the world, would it make things that much easier not to dwell on what could have been if you had only taken the plunge, and dived right in head first not worrying about the sharp rocks at the bottom?

But as it were, all those if onlys came crashing down upon him like waves against sharp rocks. If only he had been a better person. If only he had been able to put his heart and soul out there. If only, if only, if only.

He would stare at her picture all day long, just imagining the soft silky texture that her hair must be, what it would smell like, how it would feel draped across his chest, as he ran his fingers through it. Wondering if her kisses tasted just as sweet as the sugar coated words that sprang from her lips.

It had taken him 12 years to return to the village he had once called home. 12 years to get up the courage to return to the one place he now realized he never should have abandoned. And once there it had taken a further 18 months of being locked and interrogated in the Interrogation and Torture chambers. The only face he ever saw was that of Moreno Ibiki.

At least until he was released, the bright sunlight blinded his sensitive eyes that had become all to used to the darkened enterior of the small chamber he had been held in.

He was still unsteady on his feet, not having properly used his muscles in over a year. There were faint traces of purpling bruises covering his arms and neck, They stood out starkly against his almost translucent pale skin. His normally spiked blue/black hair hung limp, it had grown out to just below his neck. Dark onyx eyes stared blankly around him. Part of him couldn't believe he was actually back here, the other part was hoping for a glimpse of Konoha's Golden Flower.

A heavy arm that nearly toppled him over, was slung around his shoulders. Hokage Naruto was grinning wildly at him, more like old times.

Hatake Kakashi was standing off to one side, and beside him, Haruno Sakura stood placidly for the first time in her life. She was dressed in medic-nin garb, which meant she would have come straight from the hospital. Her head was slightly bowed, her eyes fixed on the ground. Sasuke remembered many times when they were younger that those emerald orbs would normally be fixed on nothing else but him. But time changes all.

Naruto stepped back and it was then that he saw the waryness in his eyes, in all of the eyes that passed by him. It surprised him that anyone had even come to greet him. But then thinking on it it was no surprise. He was after all a traitor and precautions would have to be taken.

Naruto smiled wildly at him. It was more forced than he ever remembered it being. Lines of strain were etched around his eyes and mouth. He gestured for Sasuke to follow him as he started walking towards the Hokage tower.

Walking two paces behind the Hokage, Sasuke could feel his former sensei walking a few scant inches behind him. He supresed a shudder, he didn't like anyone at his back if he could help it.

One person had gotten him through the 12 years spent away, through the 18 months under Ibiki's tender loving care. She was who he had asked to see over and over again. But everytime her name came up he was met with stony silence. It made him wonder where she was.

Ibiki had talked about her once, while he was splitting his skin and placing sharp bamboo sticks underneath it. Had said she was the brightest and best student he had ever had the pleasure of teaching.

They walked for miles, out towards the edges of Konoha. Everyone they passed either quickly grabbed their children and ran, or just stared at him in pity and mistrust. It didn't bother him, he expected it. After all if you were to welcome a traitor back into your midst without question, you were weak and easily overpowered.

The sun shone down heavily making him start to sweat. Sasuke's muscles weren't used to such strenuous activity. He felt weak and achy. But his pride would never let him ask to stop. He wondered if they were going to kill him. Even in his weakened state he would still be able to make a good run for it and more than likely get away.

No, they would have chained him. He knows that. So where are they taking him?

They were a few kilometers away when he suddenly became familiar with his surroundings. They were heading to one of Konoha's five cemetarys. The one they were headed towards was one that was very rarely spoken about or visited. It was a palce of imi, taboo.

Sasuke felt his heart sink. He didn't want to enter this place. He didn't want to find out who was in there. A part of him already knew the name he would see engraved upon a slap of stone. He really didn't want it to be true.

They lead him through the graveyard. It didn't take them long until they reached a grave. It was marked by a bouquet of golden roses. He saw red. Whirling on Naruto he punched him as hard as he could manage in his weakened state.

Kakashi was on him in an instant, pinning him to the ground with his knees, one hand yanking his head up by his hair, the other holding a kunai at his throat. "Striking the Hokage warrents a death sentence."

Sasuke couldn't care less. His sole reason for being, for surviving this long was gone. Taken by her own hand. So why should he care what happened to him now.

"Let him up."

Sasuke slowly rose to his feet. Naruto was different. Sure he was still the same, but he had grown up.

Without a single word the tree who had accompanied him, turned and left the graveyard. Leaving him to realise just what he had done to Konoha's once golden flower. She bloomed for a short while. But without the proper care and attention had slowly withered away. They weren't even going to kill him. They were going to let it haunt him for the rest of his life.

If only. . .

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Alright, so let me know what you think. Good or bad, opinions are always welcome. Construct criticism is always welcome, it always helps to know how to improve yourself.

Review peoples please.

Nyx


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